My Real Resume

Imagine if our resumes told our employers what we really do and what our skills really are.

ANDREW MOUSOURIS

125-05 Bullshit Lane

10394 Somewhere, New York

1(555) 909 – 6128

am.inkubate@gmail.com

Objective

To acquire a position that allows me to use my social and interpersonal skills to the fullest within the framework of a challenging and competitive company, while occasionally taking breaks in the bathroom to replenish fatigue from a long night of binge-drinking the night before. 

Experience:

1. A1 Accounting & Business Center.

(555) 264– 9157: Receptionist

• Answered phone calls and retrieved messages for staff.
• Downloaded music illegally to iPod and shredded consequential warnings from service provider.
• Maintained Outlook Calendar for staff and signed them up to pyramid schemes for a free PS3.
• Handled problems with clients and acted as an intermediary between staff and clientele by hanging up.

1. Papa’s Greek Grill – Tampa, F.L.

(555) 284 – 4646: Counterman/Cashier

• Served (spit in their food) customers during very busy and stressful lunch/dinners.
• Prepared lunch/dinner orders and organized take-out calls and deliveries while double-charging some items.
• Stared blankly as customers gave me specific orders, prepared them as I saw fit.
• Worked as a cashier while ignoring phone orders and delivery items.

1. Kidz4luv Day Care – Stroudsburg, P.A.

(555) 874 – 8985

• Arranged and executed various games and play sessions for children between the ages of 3-8.
• Cleaned shitty asses and maintained a constant flu-like cold because kids are unsanitary.
• Hid suicide notes in lunchboxes.
• Tracked outstanding invoices and billed ruined families for outstanding past-dues.

Education:

1. Graduated Ridgewood High School, Port Richey, F.L.

3.0 2.55 G.P.A.

Skills:

• Computers; Googling useless facts, MS Paint, Wikipedia plagiarism, FACEBOOK<33
• Fluent in Slept through six semesters of German.
• Competed and excelled in oral competitions bullshitting.
• Gave numerous, personally prepared, speeches to kids describing drug addiction and its consequences. Shouted at kids from my buddy's car while smoking several blunts.

References:

Furnished upon request. (There aren't any.)