Ask a White Dude.

For the last year, I've been part of a forum run explicity by black people.  As I was the only white person in there, I brought as much insight into the white community possible.  I had started a segment cleverly entitled "Ask a White Dude," wherein the rules were simple - ask anything you want to ask about white people.  From the deepest cultural questions to the quirky behaviors that often confuse one another, the gloves were off and I would do my best to help learn black people in the secret society that is Caucasiandom.

5.  Why do white people go crazy over finger foods?


This question especially hits home because finger foods are the shit.  It makes me ask myself, "Why do I love finger foods enough to go into a murderous rage?"   And furthermore, why do I - along with other white people - shun some of the other finger foods like Freedom Fries and chicken wings?


Just the other day I was at a fancy party where finger foods - or "h'ordeuvres" - were being served before dinner.  Before I popped a mini duck taco (no shit, it was a mini taco with DUCK MEAT IN IT!), I laughed as if I were invading Poland and I felt excellent.  The careful hand it takes to prepare two hundred mini duck tacos is not only a show of talent, it's also a show of pure domination.  We take something as fancy as duck, something as Mexican as tacos and make that shit tiny - then we blow a huge Caucasian load all over it.

If you've ever seen a white person eat finger foods, you'll notice how they close their eyes and fuck the shit out of that food in their mouths.  That's because we don't give a fuck how good it tastes, it's the fact that we can say, "Yes, I ate a MINI DUCK TACO, I AM PROBABLY CULTURED NOW."




4.  How come white people don't wear underwear?

I'm sure white people wear underwear, but I'm definitely one of those people who will screw underwear a few days a week.  Simply put, who needs them?  Honestly.  What do underwear do?  Separate your dick from your pants?  Why can't my dick touch my pants?  Both of them are clean, let them touch each other - I allow it.  Unless you work some sort of sweat-inducing job, the need for underwear is well on its way out.  I don't break a sweat at all at work, I sit behind a computer all day working for assholes who also sit behind a computer all day.  Every single one of us can go commando and no one would know - or give a shit.


Even if you take a messy shit that day, the underwear are useless.  I can restore my asshole to its former glory after any shit with a little water and handsoap (the 'hand' in handsoap is just a suggestion).

The question here, in actuality, is why don't black people go commando more often?

3.  Why are white people rude on the Subway?

This is a hilarious question.  If I were to pose as a black man on an all-white board, the opposite question would be asked.  Black people think white people are rude because we have no sense of physical courtesy.  We believe we can blast through a crowd of people without exchanging an "excuse me" because a) we just want to get to where we are going and b) who talks to strangers? 

And white people think black people are rude because they call us out on our shit.  We've all been confronted with a sassy, "EXCUUUUUUSE YOU," at some point in our lives, usually it's our fault for just shoulder-checking a person without warning.  But white people think we're justified because we didn't open our mouths - and the silent one is the winner.  It's all in how we are raised, really.  White people were raised to be silent and soulless.

2.  Why do white people take so many risks like skydiving and ice water swimming, brothas are just trying to survive!

Well, there's no hood in the sky, silly!


1.  Is it true white people have small penises?  And do you have a small penis?

My penis is exceptionally small when it's flacid.  It promptly makes a turn to "tolerable" when it engorges.  

This is a prime case of natural selection.  Look at the size of the average black girls ass, it's huge (read: fantASSSStic).  To make it through all that extra junk in thine trunk, one must be properly equipped.  White girls have depressing asses (for the most part) and don't require such tools.

So it's not really a matter of white people having small dicks - black people just have monstrosities-for-dicks inside their trousers - the shit in horror novels. But their dicks are big so it can penetrate the layers of absolutely fantASSSSStic ass black girls offer.