I don't have a kid (that I care about) and I definitely have no experience as a parent - but I do have a backlog of facebook bullshit to criticize.
3. No More Slutty Photos.
When you're a young, vibrant girl on the internet your body is pretty much a tool you can use for both good and evil. Facebook has made it very clear that whatever you post on their site instantly becomes immortalized on the internet - it will spread without your knowing - and the sluttier it is, the higher the chances are it'll be posted somewhere else and the higher the chances your kid will probably come across it in the future.
So, after you've had a child, you really gotta stop that shit. Facebook isn't a trend, Facebook is going to integrate even further into our society than it already is. So when your kid first realizes that he can jerk off to the internet and he's browsing through some sluttly gallery of photos, there is a chance your slutty bathroom picture will be burned into his mind for the rest of eternity. Or even worse, you'll be on IsAnyoneUp?
Before digital cameras slutty photos were limited; you would never spend a few hours in the bathroom with a disposable camera trying to get the right angle on your mamaloogas. And if you did, chances are you kept that photo in a shoebox buried in the deep recesses of your closet. I'm sure my mother took tons of slutty photos - but I'm never gunna know and I'm really fucking happy.
The case isn't the same for your kids. That photo of you sucking on a piece of candy like a fat old kielbasa will likely get meme'd and become a chain letter that will, inevitably, end up on your kid's phone.
2. A boyfriend is probably a terrible idea.
Now I totally understand how young love works, how we need it as people and all. But you pretty much lose the right to love once you decide to care for the child of your last love, or love before that... Or whatever depending on how slutty you are.
And it's not that I think you're a careless lover (because I do), I just think you have a fucking baby, dude! Not only that, you think some guy is going to be able to comprehend a situation you can barely comprehend yourself?
Flora is now in a relationship with Douche McFagturd.
Seeing that on me feed makes me want to impregnate you again just so I can punch our newborn child in the face. Now, I'm sure McFagturd is one cool dude but chances are he will have no clue how to empathize with your situation - so when shit gets thick in babyland, I'm giving McFagturd about a week to realize that holy shit, this broad has a baby... I can't get that puss ALL the time?
And you might even argue back that you were never giving puss ALL the time in the first place... Well, not to discount your character - but you gave it out enough to have a baby and I guarantee whatever sex you were having before the baby will get cut drastically, making it utterly impossible to satisfy a hormonal young man.
But what if the guy is understanding and he wants to be a part of the kid's life?
Well great-fucking-Scott, we got a winner! Right? Wrong. If a young man ever says he wants to be part of a kids life he a) has about as much a clue as you when it comes to kids or b) is batshit crazy. In other words, Niceguy McFagturd is so unconditionally loving that he's actually unconditionally retarded.
So think twice before searching for a new relationship, 'cause you got yourself a whole lot of relationship to fucks with already. But totally get some dick, you'll need it for those long weeks.
1. When a child goes to sleep, the child is still alive.
Now, this goes without saying, right? Not really. It seems becoming a mother is a lot easier than being a mother. What's even harder is not broadcasting how terrible you are at being a mother. Which leads me to the following comment by a mother named Jessica:
"Cody is asleep, stepping out to the gym for 20 minutes! <33"
This comment and various incarnations of it pop up on my feed at least four times a week. Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday all around 3:00 p.m. If I were, say, a molester or perhaps a baby cannibal I have found the perfect candidate to molest or eat - or both. I have a time to be there and a window to get my business done without any pesky parents bothering me.
It seems ditching the burden when he/she is asleep is a trend amongst mothers 'cuz Jessica ain't the only one:
"salon while my angel rests inside" - 3 months old.
"Trish is out like a light sneaking out to the deli, shh lol" - 68 days old.
I'm going to go ahead and assume these people eat a bowl of Stupid Fucks for breakfast every morning. Now while some of these updates may seem harmless (they gathered about 100 likes collectively), these parents are openly admitting to neglecting infants and getting praised!
But all is forgiven, you're young and stupid - but morally obligated to care for a human child, instead of letting someone more qualified (and probably not as obsessed with self-image) take care of it. I'll do these young mothers a favor and give them a piece of advice:
Babies need to be watched when they're sleeping, asshole.
Aside from internet predators, little Cody is less than a year old; this makes him a perfect candidate for "Crib Death" - which may sound like an awesome all-infant Metallica coverband but in reality it's a very serious condition where infants under twelve months old randomly die due to overlooked medical conditions. Now while we can blame doctors for missing a diagnosis, we should actually blame the mother's doctor for not diagnosing her with dumbass. But the world isn't perfect and that's why you need to watch the little fuck and make sure he's sleeping without problems - you can't ditch the shithead to work on shedding your disgusting stomach (that comment probably didn't help to keep you out of the gym). For some reason, there are a handful of young mothers who believe that parenting involves giving a child everything they want until they sleep - then the party starts, maybe you can get pregnant again!
Again, I'm no mother, but I don't think I need to be one to tell you that your kid is pretty much all you're allowed to think about from now on, idiot.
No comments:
Post a Comment