Retroactive Rewrite: Kids.

I absolutely hate all the attention kids get...  Especially when they're hit by drunk drivers.

Sure, it's a tragedy - but what about the reason that driver was drinking in the first place?  Probably more tragic. 

Case and point; let's rewind a bit to the day before...  Little Phillip of twelve years old just got a C on his report card, to battle the depression he goes to the bathroom to jerk off - it is therapeutic - but gets caught.  His mother thinks he's an atrocity, she cries to his father, "Why God, oh why would does our son have to be a retarded piece of shit?!"  Father replies, "I hate him too, is it too late to abort?"



Then you have this other fella.  He just got laid off, so he's coming home early.  He walks in on his wife banging six black guys - they don't have to be black, but their cartoonishly large dicks makes this funny - there's an awkward queef, one of the black guys chimes in, "Yeah, pussy speaks fo' itself, bitch."  Boom.  He just had a bad day despite an excellent pun. 

Next night, Little Phillip is playing ball by himself because he has no friends - because he's stupid - and Other Fella is coming back from a long night of depressed drinking...  WHAM.  He hits the little shit because playing with a black ball at night is idiotic.  Now my man is gunna face vehicular manslaughter and driving while under the influence.  Two days and this dude's life is ruined.

But still, the parents will come out with their crocodile tears and talk about how Little Phillip could've been a doctor.  The masturbating C student could've been a doctor now?  I'm sure the kid could get a PhD in eating shit - but that's about as impressive as a degree in Sociology.

Put it this way, becoming a doctor is tough when you're alive - but when you're dead, you can be anything!  Who gives a shit, Little Phillip could've been a hymen-breaker on Mount Olympus now that he's gone!


Man, kids are so shitty.  I feel like I'm part of a dying breed of decent individuals - and I'm one of the worst of that dying breed.  Kids are smelly, self-indulgent pricks who want nothing more than to stay absorbed in their pretty little world.  The parents should be glad the kid's out of the running early, you can try again for next year - maybe he'll be more frugal when putting viruses on Daddy's computer.