Mind the Moose I.

Mind the Moose - a journalistic entry lightly seasoned with comedic breading.

It's hard to find a good woman to make your wifey these days - oh, by the way, I use a lot of ebonic expressions because fuck you (I won't ever stop using that either).  I've been living in New York for a year and I haven't bagged a wifey, it's frustrating. And it's not like I'm picky, I only ask for three things.  And if you have them, den I'mma have to wife dat.

It's your duty as a human being to know how to cook.  I didn't say you have to cook well, I'm just saying you're taking a big old shit on nature if you can't prepare sustenance for yourself.  There will be nights where we're stoned out of our minds and I want a grilled cheese.  If you can't grill a cheese for your stoned boyfriend, you are not wifey material.  I mean fuck.  If you expect the Moose to consistently bring you to Babylon and back, the Moose is going to need some grilled muthafuckin' cheese.

It's no Mother Mary, but it sends the right message.

I would be lying if I didn't say that I can fuck exactly like Antonio Banderas in Original Sin.  But I'm going to need a bad bitch who can Angelina Jolie my kielbasa, too.  If you can't be a bad bitch who will Angelina Jolie my kielbasa, too, you are not wifey material.  I'm not asking for it all the time, I just want the security of knowing every time I do get it - I'm gunna sexing a female Brock Lesnar.

PUT IT IN MY MOUTH MOOSE!

It's not too much to ask for and it's nothing new, these two things.  I mean, I wouldn't have tattooed "Bad Bitches Only" on my cock if I didn't think it was a realistic request.  However, I think the requirement that women have the hardest time meeting is the third - the wild card.  Fearlessness.

Yes, yes.  Women are the most gullible skeptics I know.  They'll trust a man who can deliver velvet-wrapped turds but dismiss the guy who is honest, because they're terrified of real opinions.  There's an old saying, "Women hate being told 'No'," - which can be extended into, "Women hate being contradicted."

It is my belief that fear stirs up in a woman when she loses control of a situation.  She fears loss, she fears loathing and she fears disappointment.  So, she'll choose the guy who tells her he's happy and that he can keep her happy and everyone is happy - rather than choosing the guy who is willing to open up and tell the bitch she's doin' it wrong.

This is precisely why a lady needs to be fearless.  She needs to be willing to flirt with danger, take a step out and actually embrace an organic relationship.  I want a lady willing to grow, rather than a lady who wants to maintain just one dimension in a relationship.