Let's Go To Florida!

I find it extremely hard to believe that people like Florida.  How could you possibly want to live somewhere that God hates?

"GTFO FLORIDA." -God

Florida is a dumbass.  It hangs off of America like a floppy, idiotic dong getting smacked around by hurricanes all year and it doesn't really do much good for the rest of the country.  How do I know this?  To up the ante on Jersey Shore they decided to go to Florida.  How low can they go?  Florida low.

First of all, you have the weather.  If you like being clenched in the grip of the Devil's humid rectum then you're in luck.  Florida has its days, don't get me wrong.  There are absolutely gorgeous days that make you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside...  Then the Spring and Summer come and make it unsafe to even go outside.  If the place you live has conditions that flirt with the term "dangerous" then it's probably not a good place to live.  Between scalding rays of sunlight and monstrous hurricanes, Florida can easily be the setting for a contemporary epic.

So why do people think the weather is great?  Beaches.  'Nuff said.  You slap a beach anywhere and it'll become a desired location regardless of how terrible the rest of the environment is.  It's like convincing yourself to become Forrest Gump's friend.  Sure, he may seem awesome, but in reality he's a dumbass who is probably unbearable in real life because of his social disorder.

But that's just the weather, right?  If we can handle the constant pounding of God's dick, we'll be all right...  Right?

Fucking wrong.
Let's break it down neatly...  You come to a new area, there's a few things you might looking for: a job, a home, education, safety and (maybe) entertainment.

So you choose Florida for the great weather, amusement parks and titties (let's all just admit the only reason to go to Florida is so you can have more sex).  First thing you're gunna wanna do before having the most sex in your life is get a job because, while Florida bitches is easy, Florida bitches like money - and you like Florida bitches. Florida ranks 43/50 in unemployment, where approximately one out of every ten people is unemployed.  And that's not just some statistic, my friends living down there will agree that finding a job in Florida is like finding a good ovum between the Olsen twins.  Im-fucking-possible.

But you manage to find yourself a job fluffing dicks in the internet porn capital.  So you've got some security, congratulations Big Baller.  Now it's time to start fuckin' that stripper you met, right?  Wrong.  Unless you plan on convincing a classy stripper to bang on your moped, you're in desperate need of your own place.  If you're going for a house, just remember that while the real estate is improving - Florida is still a shitty place for a homeowner.  You'll be spending nearly 50% of your annual income on your home (3rd highest rate in the country) each year and that's because (on average) a one floor, two bedroom home will run you somewhere in the mid 100k's.

So you decide to go with an apartment, they're cheaper than homes and you refuse to settle for anything less - I mean you're fondling dicks all day, you deserved it.  So the time comes to stock your house up and - WHAT THE FUCK?  WHY IS EVERYTHING SO EXPENSIVE?  Welcome to Florida, asshole, you're about to get sodomized.  As Florida is somehow iconized as a desirable place to be and formed the reputation as a tourist cesspool, retail prices for the regular people are ridiculous.   Florida is a snowbird state wherein most of its income comes from the tourist seasons; so to stay afloat, they need to strategically place their dicks in your mouth to keep warm in the Winter. 

But still, Florida has a vibrancy to it!  You gotta pay for the environment!  Party 'til your socks come off and have some good, harmless fun.  That's what Florida is all about!  Who cares if life is expensive, it pays off when you hit the party scene. 

But it's not all unicorns and creampies, folks.  Florida is a dream people have.  A place where people are immune to the endless hours of partying.  But the reality is much sadder. 

Remember that show Intervention?  Well, Florida is the most filmed at state for this television show...  Why?  Because Florida has a pill problem.  No.  Florida has a drug problem.  As a toker myself, I feel I might seem a little hypocritical by berating a state that abuses drugs - but Florida prescribes and sells TEN TIMES the amount of oxycodone than the entire fucking country.  Merry fuckin' Christmas, bitches. 

Florida is dealing out loads of pills to the Southeast because that shit's as regulated as masturbation.

So let's look at the whole picture.  We have a state full of broke, sunburnt Lindsay Lohans who are committing crimes because the heat is driving them fucking crazy.  Not to mention man-eating lizards chill in your backyard.  Sounds like the place I want go to.

Fuck Florida.