IsAnyoneUp?

Don't get used to me posting - this is a post fueled by a phallic rage (and not my own phallus).

Is Anyone Up? is a website where a bunch of shitty hardcore musicians/listeners band together and trade pictures of their sexual conquests.  And while that sentence does justice to make it seem, perhaps, tolerable; I warn you now, IAU is a website where the very worst kind of counterculture youth lurk.  Boys and girls alike sign up to this site, post pictures of either themselves or their victims and the community leaves hilarious (read: assheaded) comments about said pictures. 

Not only this, they've popularized a hashtag #nbhnc (no butthole, no care) which is liberally added to every sentence (or often seen in photos, drawn on asscheeks in lipstick). 

The community, comprised of scene kids, is malicious all around - constantly cutting down any shred of good will that might try to pass through it.  But don't be surprised, this is exactly what you should expect from a community who iconizes a genre of music as talentedly defunct as Carrot Top if he had super polio.

But that's the internet, so I shouldn't care.  Hell, I won't lie and say I haven't jerked off to that website a few times in my day.   

HOWEVER.

IAU has a new trend going on wherein random people grab random telephone numbers and post them on the site, asking to trade nudes.  Somehow, my number made it to one of these posts and for the past three days I've been receiving an extremely high volume of dicks on my phone.  As I am a good sport, a lover of practical AND dick jokes - this kind of thing was right up my alley.  It was most certainly not the dicks being sent to me which bothered me, it was the infuriated backlash when they didn't receive the picture of tits they so obviously earned.

So, fair shitheads of IAU, I will drop a little knowledge on you:

There's a little phrase you need to familiarize yourselves with.  It's, "too good to be true."  90% of the pictures posted on this site are a) fake or b) posted by a musician.  A touring musician.  A fit musician.  A musician who can actually have sex with slutty girls willing to pose for smut.

As far as you are concerned, you're just a piece of smelly traffic putting money in IAU's pocket, jerking off to the realities of someone else's life.  So when an offer like "tits for dicks" pulls through (and I know you're jumping at it), chances are you're sending a picture of your dick to a totally random (hopefully legal) person like a few hundred other people. #nbhnc

Put a lid on it.  If you're fluffing your dick for a well-lit picture to send to a mysterious phone number assume the best part of you slithered down your mother's leg.

And if you're wondering why I haven't brought attention to the sizeable community of females on IAU, it's quite simple.  Only two types of girls would dare be on that site and coincidentally, they are the same types of girls who listen to hardcore music. 

1.  You are an "attractive" (a term I use relatively, considering the IAU standard for attractive is horrifically skinny and bearing the marks of a former heroine addiction) girl who won't look twice at anyone unless they're in a band - to which you will sell your pussy for the cheap price of your rape-laden childhood.

2.  You're a beast looking for a weak, helpless young man to lure in with promises of free pussy; prolonging the inevitable obligation to send a picture of your terrifying body.  Yes, you're fucking fat, too. #nbhnc

All this being said.  I kindly ask, keep sending pictures of your dicks - for they are now MY property.  And I will MS Paint the fuck out of them.  And yes, I will be posting them on the internet again with your phone numbers.  #nbhnc