Craigslist Fun: The Billy Joelition

The following is an ad I posted on Craigslist (view post here) and a couple of conversations I had with interested repliers.  Names and other sensitive information have been altered.

The Ad:

Hello! My name is Andrew Moss and I'm the lead singer/pianist for a six piece Billy Joel cover band called the Billy Joelition. As a consequence of unprotected sex after a show our drummer can no longer play with us, leaving the Joelition to search for a new drummer. Although we are based primarily in New York, I'd like to clarify that this band is often traveling. We've played thirty-five states, two provinces in Canada and the entire Caribbean (but who's counting?) with plans of upstarting a tour within four months. If you wish to perform four nights a week for roughly $150-$250 a night, then please continue reading this post.

What we're looking for:

A drummer with ten or more years of experience.
A drummer capable of playing the entire Billy Joel catalog.
Flexible hours.
Passport.
Ability to take extended vacations.


What we provide:

Travel expenses.
Room & board.
Food.
Pearl Rhythm Traveler (extended).


If you're interested, please send an email to am.inkubate@gmail.com with a brief introduction and questions/comments/phone # request.

Thank you.

This reply came literally four minutes after I posted the ad:

Andrew,

  Saw your add on craiglist and would love to find out more. My name is Robert and I play kit and rudimental snare drum. I played in an Irish band River Flash for years and now primarily work with drum corps, Scottish pipe band drumming style at high level competitions. I will include links below if you care to check them out. Plus lots of writing, teaching, touring, recording experience, all that fun stuff. I have done the cover band gig also, equipped with Yamaha 9000 recording custom kit it's an ideal sound for your type of gig. 

Have a good one and let me know some info please.
Thanks.

Robert,

      Fantastic!  I don't know if you looked the Billy Joelition up, but I figured I'd inform you that we primarily play S&M clubs.  Are you comfortable with watching/participating in bondage?

Andrew, 

     Uhh, thats kinda weird, how does that work? Also looked you up on the net found nothing, have a web site?

Robert,

    Well, no, we receive little press considering our demographic.  We've been functioning 20+ years strong without the internet, this is actually the first time we decided to source to it.  S&M shows primarily work by dressing in leather straps, usually exposing your genitalia, and playing the gig like any other band.  The main difference is that after the shows, we join the crowd in a sort of mass orgy.  S&M is a fetish that involves a dominant party abusing, humiliating, etc. another, submissive party.

Andrew,

  How the fuck can you possibly make an ad like that and not tell people you gusy are in to that sick shit??

Robert,

    So, you're interested?

Andrew,

    lol yeah right you're a sick fuck, I hope you find a drummer who stabs you with a knife.

Robert,

    Awe, Robert, that's kinda hot!  You sure you don't want to join, I think you'd fit right in.  You have spunk, we can give you more spunk...  All over your face perhaps?  Thanks for the well-wishes, good luck.

The ad started gaining steam, I was getting 10-15 replies a day.  Around the fourth day, I received this little gem:

Andrew,

     hi, my name's Ted and I happened to stumble by your ad on craigslist describing the need for a drummer.  you won't believe this but I actually used to play percussion in a Billy Joel cover band called the Billy Joelition.  looking at your ad it looks like you guys had a lot more success than my old band.  anyway, I just lost my job as an studio engineer at SAE in New York and I have been looking to join a band now that I have a lot of free time.

Ted,

   I'm sorry to hear about your job.  It's great to see another Billy Joel enthusiast and what a strange coincidence that you were part of a less-successful Joelition.  The only thing that worries me is that you were part of a certain Joelition that my band had formerly had a run-in with.  You won't believe this but about five years ago right here in Manhattan, my Joelition got into a pretty nasty barfight with a rival Joelition.  At the time we had deep connections with the Harlem Jets while this other band had been getting cozy with another gang called the Sharks.  What had happened was, their lead singer and pianist Bernardo had a sister named Maria and our lead guitarist, Tony, had taken a fancy to her.  Long story short, our guitarist was shot in a basketball court right outside of the bar and Maria moved away.  A sad story really, I just want to clarify you weren't in that Billy Joelition.

Andrew,
     that's a pretty crazy story, I'm sorry to hear about your guitarist, too.  no, I wasn't in that band, thankfully haha.  so when it comes down to practicing, where and when will this happen?

Ted,
   Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Jumping the gun a bit, Ted.  We need to have you initiated first, how do you feel about tattoos and do you have an allergy to morphine?

Andrew,
    I have a tattoo but I don't think I want to get another.  I don't think I do, why?  Reply ASAP really excited about this.

Ted,
   Awe, that's a shame.  All of our members get the Third Reich symbol tattooed on their backs to show support for our cause, the morphine allergy is simply because we all do a shot of morphine before getting on stage, really sharpens you up.

Andrew,
    Third Reich??  like nazis?  you know what I don't think I can join this band, you guys a little too crazy for me and I don't think we share the same beliefs.

Ted,
   You some kind of Jew, Ted?  I knew it, why else would you have lost your job?

Andrew,
     what?  the hell is your problem man?  I think I have to report you to craigslist, I'm sorry.

Ted,
   Why don't you just keep your big old Jew nose out of our business?

Andrew,
    reported.