I have a cousin named Anthony and he's a dick. He does karate, reads books, he only plays "old school" video games, he skateboards and most of all, he condescends to me like I'm some family Hershey stain. Every time I'll get him on the phone (which is never intentional), he starts bragging about how many books he's read and how he's working on his "wicked sweet" kickflip or how gnarly his spinning heel kick is now.
And as he rants and raves to me about all his newest endeavors, he'll try to show interest in what I'm doing.
"Oh, hey Andrew. Guess what? (I don't answer) I just grinded my skateboard down a sixteen foot rail! Can you skateboard? Oh? You can't even ride a bike? That's alright, I guess."
The entire time he belittles me in this conversation I can only think of one thing:
"Dude, you're fucking seven years old. You don't know."
I've had sex, bro. Have you? No? Well you have nothing in common with me then. You don't even have a hair on your ballsack to call your own. This makes any skill you possess obsolete.
Some people call me jealous of my cousin, some people say that I can't stand the attention he gets from the rest of the family for being "just so great."
You're god damned right I am. I live in New York. I'm holding a steady job, making guap, having sex with girls and I'm also breaking my way into the comedy scene. Where's my pat on the back?
All I get are lectures from my family because I just so happen talk about washing dicks on stage. Way to see it black and white, family.
I'd say those karate lessons are pretty worthless because the only person he needs to defend himself against is me and I know I can beat the fuck out of this kid. He's seven, of course I can.
Oh? Spinning back kick? How about a muddy boot right to your dome, buddy? I'm pretty sure your frail little arms can't defend against a size 12 (12 wide, might I add) pumping furiously into your noggin.
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