5 Movies and the things they ruined for me.

If you truly have a passion for something, you'll dive right into the deep end with it.  That being said, I watch a lot of movies because down the road I'm hoping to be in at least one.  Sometimes, however, your passions backfire on you; like when an artist sees cubism for the first time, they're probably thinking, "How the fuck can anyone get away with this?  I guess we're just going to toss conventional learning out the window and call it something funny."  That's how Russian Expressionism was created, out of spite.

 

Hey, Picasso.  In Mother Russia, shit paints you!

Movies have backfired on me in a slightly different way.  Because I become so immersed in the experience, my impressionable young mind often has a hard time detaching from the fiction and takes irrational fears and ideas away from the cinema.  Here's a list of five things movies have ruined for me.




5.  Ferris Bueller - Parking Garages


There are few movies that define the 80's as well Ferris Bueller's Day Off.  Yeah, it's a classic, but remember that scene where the garage workers take the Ferrari out for a spin?  How can you possibly trust a Mexican convict with your car ever again?

I wouldn't care so much if it wasn't an inconvenience, but now I have to park fourteen blocks away and walk to my office rather than use the garage around the corner.  The last thing I need is Spike from the Super Mario Bros. movie to take my 1999 shit green Metro for a spin and take it from 126 and half-way between 3 and 4 tenths miles to 437.7 miles.

What do you get when two minorities are in the possession of a white man's car?

Chk-chikachikah.

4. It - Sewers

I remember watching It as a child and literally shitting my pants.  Clearly It wasn't made for children.  It was three hours long, struck terrifyingly close to home and, let's face it, no child should watch a Tim Curry movie until they've developed a skin thick enough to handle his frightening smile.

For most people, It the clown stirred up a very real fear, coulrophobia.  For me, It ruined one thing...  Sewers.

I like your raincoat, bitch!

Just look at that picture.  See?  I can handle crocodiles in my sewers, they can't squirt me with the little gag flower on their polka-dotted pajamas or balance on unicycles.  Yeah, it's an irrational fear, but whenever I pass by the sewers I tense up in anticipation of a whipped cream pie to be thrown right at my dome.


3.  Passion of the Christ / S&M

I managed to avoid watching Passion of the Christ up until a few nights ago and it's already ruined something in my life.  When I watch movies, I put aside all moral fabric or "truth" and try to appreciate the performance, writing and cinematography.  The Passion of the Christ is a terrible movie but indeed a memorable one considering all the controversy surrounding it and the fact it's the only Jesus movie since Jesus Christ:  Superstar (which is better).

Now that I've seen the movie, every time me and the wifey suit up in our leathers and start whipping each other, I have the image of a naked, bearded Edmond Dantes (good luck with that reference) getting his skin flayed by some Jew folk.  Not to mention, the safe word has always been "Judas" and that's a real bonerkiller.

Awe, yeah...  Humiliate me, baby.  I wanna die for this sin.

2. Forrest Gump - Sympathy for the Handicap

Tom Hanks is such a good actor that he's managed to ruin something I felt could never be ruined, but when I saw Forrest Gump overcome his handicaps and ultimately have the greatest upswing of his life...  I kinda lost all my sympathy for the handicap.

I'm not expecting you to run across the United States or start a multi-million dollar shrimping business, Gump already did that and that wouldn't be impressive.  I am, however, asking the handicap to step it up a little and start impressing us able-bodied Americans.  You folks are a rare breed and you don't even capitalize on your uniquity.  If one half-a-tard can fight in a war, become a ping-pong champ, moon the president and harbor his seed in a slizz long enough to get Haley Joel Osment, you folks can at least stop drooling everywhere.

He also started a charity.  "Ice Cream for the Paraplegics." 

1. Breakfast at Tiffany's - Asian Jokes

I can't make fun of them anymore.

...And Yul Brynner as Mr. Blackguy!