3 Scandals I'd Like to See.

Charlie Sheen isn’t winning, was never winning and never will win.  Why?  It’s because winning is reserved for people who commit real scandals.  Now, you must be wondering, “A briefcase of cocaine, porn stars and being a dickhead isn’t a scandal?”

No, it’s not.  Again you ask, “Why Drew?  It seems pretty scandalous to me!” 

That’s because you aren’t a celebrity, dickwad.  If you or your boss was caught with a briefcase of cocaine and Bree Olsen was suckling at your genitals like a newborn cub to her mother, then it’d be a scandal.  But the fact here remains:  I expect no less from a man in Hollywood.  If you have millions of dollars it’s only logical to buy cocaine and fuck porn stars.  Because those are essentially included in your rent in Hollywood.

Today’s scandals are terrible.  Nothing is really out of the ordinary and nothin’ really fuckin’ matters.  If you can’t trust your own daughter not to send a picture of her tittays to some dude, then don’t expect that girl from High School Musical to do any different.  Just because she’s owned by righteous Christians doesn’t mean she won’t show some nip to her boytoy.  Real scandals need to have an element of surprise peppered with the bizarre; to demonstrate this, I’ve created a list of scandals I’d like to see.

  

3.  2Fast2Faithful:  Holy Drift

Every night Pope Benedict wakes up in a cold sweat.  His nerves are racked and he respires sporadically.  Precarious memories of Hitler Youth leak into his dreams; he tries to suppress them, but the training was too intense and he realizes there is absolutely no way he can’t become a warrior of God. 

By day, he’s blessing the world and dictating the Catholic faith with steady hands and a warm heart.  However, when the sun reaches its final hour the roar of a souped-up Hyundai (with spoiler) echoes through the Valley of Darkness.  And he will strike down with great furor on those who directly oppose the Alpha and Omega. 

As he goes on his Pope-tours, as does this bite-the-bullet vigilante.  Benedict takes to the streets in his NOS-powered vehicle and converts the world to Catholicism one street race at a time. 

...or die.

When the public catches wind of the Pope’s other life, the world slinks into a frenzy.  How could the holiest of mortal holies possibly be a street racer?  How long has he been doing this?  And most of all, how can we possibly stop him? 




The Feds come after him.  Vatican City shuts down.  The Catholic world is turned onto its head.  There is suddenly a rift in the community, those in favor of the Pope’s unorthodox methods and those who believe he must be taken down. 

It all comes to an end in the Himalayas.  The Pope is racing down a mountain tailed by helicopters and a cavalcade of Federal muscle cars.  He knows it’s his end, but like anyone in street racing knows…  It’s do or die.  With God behind him, he races off of a cliff directly into a helicopter, causing a chain reaction of explosions that ultimately eradicate the entire team tailing him.  When the dust clears, the Pope is engrained in history forever as both a hero and a menace.  

2.  Guess Who’s Coming into Taylor?

After that stupid “scandal” that Kanye pulled against Taylor Swift, the media has been stroking her tits non-stop.  As the fame began to blow her head up, another thing also grew…  Her hunger for big black schlongs. 

One evening Taylor Swift is recording in the studio when all of a sudden Kanye burst in.  No stranger to being interrupted by Mister West, she decides to shrug it off.  Then walks in Terry Crews, Michael Clarke Duncan and…  Arsenio Hall because why the fuck not?

Kanye whips a camera out of no where and sets it up on a table.  The four of them approach Taylor Swift without shirts on.  A look of terror in her face quickly shifts into a look of pure delight.  She falls to her knees and goes to town on all four of those swinging hotdogs. 

"It could be bigger..."

Needless to say, this sextape goes down in history as the most fantastic thing ever.  Why?  Because everyone secretly loves interracial gangbangs starring celebrities, especially when those celebrities can potentially make a hilarious cast for a black comedy.  All four of the black men are skyrocketed to the top of stardom.  They’re mentioned in rap songs for at least six months (which is like an eternity in hip-hop).

As for Taylor Swift?  Well, she winds up getting her own reality T.V. show…  And by that I mean she’s put on “Celebrity Intervention” and she’s forced to admit she’s addicted to big, black cawks.  That’s right, Taylor Swift is addicted to big, throbbing, veiny, black monstrosities-for-dicks.

1.  Brokeback Mobsters.

It’s 2011.  Secrets are no longer as strong as they used to be.  Access to information and speculation has become so easy that even the toughest of safes can be opened.  In this case, Italian-American actors Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci’s secret is finally out.  They’re butt-buddies.

Who would've thought?

Once word of this escapes, the macho credibility of their movies goes out the window and become strange comedies.  Seeing Joe Pesci, the gay actor, surrounded by a bunch of Italian men in [insert mob movie here] is like seeing a fat kid in a bakery.  He may be calm on the outside, but deep beneath this is an undying need to put something in his mouth. 

As it turns out, Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro (or Bobbayyy De Liscious in the gay community) have been partners since they first got into the business.  These Goodfellas were playing with each others Raging Bulls as if they had a hot streak in a Casino.  All hilarious pop-culture-turned-gay-jokes aside, this scandal breaks down everything macho Italians have been centering their lives around.  Every grab of their balls, every kiss on the cheek, every hug and every “whack” they’ve ever participated in is now totally gay. 

This scandal will cause decay in New Jersey/York culture and ultimately destroy every tool that’s walked the earth.  The only thing left for Italians and rappers to watch will be Scarface…  That is until we find out cocaine makes you gay.

Research pending...