The Bad News: The Willennium has ended on Will Smith's marriage. The whipping of hair to-and-fro will become nothing but a sullen hang for Weeping Willow Smith and the years of Kung Fu training forgot to give Jaden a lesson in divorce.
But why are they having a divorce? There's no official statement yet, but I speculate it has something to do with Jada Smith's music career. Oh? You've never heard of her band, Wicked Wisdom? They're supposed to open for the growing sensation Guns N' Roses, whose last album was so fucking terrible a dude wearing a bucket on his head quit the band before its release.
The Good News: Though the couple denies it, I like to believe Jada Pinkett will be officially back on the market, meaning she'll probably be doing some full-frontal-nudity in the near future. As for William, maybe the depression will make him smoke a joint finally. Will Smith used to be hilarious, what happened? I'll tell you what happened, he became mature. He needs something to offset that maturity, why not a little weed? If anyone is qualified to smoke a little reefer it should be Willam Smith; he's an established actor, pop artist, dancer, director, producer. He's one of the wealthiest men in Hollywood, he seems to have a nice moral foundation... Weed would honestly just make him all the more awesome.
 |
| "Uncle Phil! I am FUCKED up." |
4. Pat Summitt is Demented.
The Bad News: Pat Summitt, Olympic Women's Basketball coach was diagnosed with dementia and no one cares, not even her. She said it herself, "There's not going to be any pity party and I'll make sure of that."
Since no one cares about Pat, let's think about ourselves for a moment. If Pat Summitt, person no one cares about, can get dementia... Can we? Yes, we can. The bad news isn't about Pat per-say, but more in being reminded of the fact that dementia exists. On top of the stress that's aging us, now we have to worry about dementia settling in as we age? It creates an endless cycle of worry, age, worry, age, BAM, dementia'd.
The Good News: Perhaps with Pat Summitt becoming batshit crazy, we'll finally have a reason to watch women's basketball. A rabid, middle-aged woman dashing onto the court and catching the ball in her frothy maw, squatting down on her haunches and defecating all over the place will definitely make for some good television.
 |
| "Uncle Phil! I am FUCKED up." |
The Bad News: Earthquakes are now teaming up with hurricanes and declaring war on the East Coast. The first assault launched was directly at our nation's capitol. From there, ninja tremors rattled northward and hit New York and New England. In Virginia, a nuclear plant was shut down and D.C. felt about 30 seconds of shakin'. On top of that, meteorologists took a brief break from watching meteors and caught wind of a hurricane brewing off the coast of Florida. They're naming it Irene, after Renee Zellweger's character in Me, Myself and Irene because, "it'll be just as ugly and disastrous as Ms. Zellweger in the movie."
The Good News: Thankfully, only Brooklyn felt devastation from the earthquake whereas the rest of us in the city felt a sensual vibration. As for New England... Who honestly gives a fuck? The Patriots are fine.
In a last ditch effort to save themselves from the terroristic earthquake, they evacuated D.C. and City Hall in New York... It's two floors tall. I'm writing this article from Manhattan, on the tenth floor of a skyscraper (the most earthquake-destroyable structure) about 20 minutes after the earthquake just hit. Good news our politicians are safe.
They expect the hurricane to just miss Florida and hit the Carolinas dead on. Otherwise we'd have silicon and meth displaced all over the country. Now it'll just be meth.
On a side note, who the fuck would live down in Florida anyway? It's so prone to hurricanes, skin cancer and narcotics that Dog the Bounty Hunter couldn't stand it. God hates Florida and if Florida doesn't understand that, maybe it's time they did.
 |
| "GTFO FLORIDA." -God |
The Bad News: In 1939, a famous monument was pretty much finished. Mount Rushmore isn't even that cool, it's not even finished... Where's the rest of them? It's also a huge cliff with four racist drunks etched into it. In 2011, MLK Jr. was honored with his own memorial and it's pretty terrible. I love Martin Luther King Jr. don'tcha get me wrong... I'm just a little angry that his memorial isn't nearly as cool as the ones surrounding him at the National Mall. When I see his memorial, I see two big white rocks with another big white rock with an admittedly cartoony Dr. King carved into it. And why white rocks? Aren't there enough white statues? What's wrong with using black for a civil rights titan? It's a sexier tone for a rock anyway, shit.
The Good News: He's been immortalized at our nation's capitol, finally. And no one is complaining about the statue being black, which I guess is a headache we could do without. They depicted him as one swaguluous (swag-fabulous) bastard, too. His arms are crossed, he's got his swug (swag-mug) on, and he has some sort of magician scroll that probably banishes the forces of racism with laser beams.
 |
| "I'm the Civil Rights Leader you wish your Civil Rights Leader smelled like." |
The Bad News: Legendary cheesesteak vendor Joey Vento of south Philly died of a heart attack at 71. He was diagnosed with some crazy cancer, but we all know what really killed him. If you spend your entire life cooking, selling and eating Philly cheesesteaks, the chances are high your arteries have become a reservoir of grease and pure delicious death.
There's more to the story though. Murder. Pat's King of Steaks (delicious fucking sandwich, by the way) was his competitor just across the street. And if anyone knows the law of the street, you don't fuck with the King. I speculate King Pat was sick and tired of this underdog trumping his steak sales... So he did what any original steak gangsta would do, he fuckin' gave him a Philly Special with onions, peppers, cheese, extra grease, and extra cold-blooded murder.
The Good News: The success of King Pat's murder has upped his sales by almost 60%, which is a great thing to happen in this dying economy. Saw what I did there? I think we can all pull a lesson from this story... If someone is cramping your style, you gotta do what you gotta do to survive. Natural fucking selection; you naturally select a dumbass to bump off the wagon and give you a little more space.
 |
| The special ingredient? Joey Vento. |
No comments:
Post a Comment