Lord Xerox, Bane of Office Existence.

My hands shook and sweat rolled uneasily down my brow.  The stench of fear clung to the air as I stared deep into the eyes of my enemy.  I can't remember a time where I felt so close to defeat, so close to giving up and feeding myself into this mechanical nightmare willingly.

Xerox.  You fucking son of a bitch.

He with a many maw and exploding toner cartridges.

I always thought movies like "Office Space" were exaggerating the frustration a worker feels when faced with a faulty piece of equipment.  I was more wrong than OJ Simpson's alibi.  There are truly moments when a worker feels a crippling pain rise up in his bowels because the most important fucking piece of machinery in the office won't work.  My office harbors a nightmare beyond anyone's imagination, why?  Simply because our machine is our printer, e-mail(er), fax machine, copy machine and executioner.

That means the moment it doesn't want to work, the office falls into an post-apocalyptic crisis where things like cannibalism and rape are accepted.  And because we are servants of the Xerox, we must do whatever it takes to restore some semblance of peace.

"Please Xerox, your cock is too large for my mouth.  Let me use my hands..."

All Xerox machines have an endless list of problems they can encounter.  There are technical terms for all of them, but in the office we hedge the endless down to four possibilities.  I've compiled the list and I've also supplied instructions for you fellow officer workers reading this.

1.  "The Black Plague."

Problem:  No matter how many pages you print or copy, they all come out completely black.  This leaves you terrified that you were the one who brought upon the curse. 


What causes it?  You've angered the Gods of Xerox by trying to make a copy of something.  Regardless of the manual and the so-called "list" of capabilities, your mortal brain couldn't possibly comprehend the complexities of copying and you take it for granted.  Because of this, you've been punished by the Black Plague.

Remedy:  Eject the toner cartridge and cast it into Mt. Doom in Mordor.

2.  "Devoured Documents."

Problem:  Xerox has deemed your paperwork unworthy of faxing and has utterly devoured it.

What causes it?  If you weren't such a fucking moron, you'd realize that the omnipotent machine can judge value better than you.  As you pressed "Start" on the machine, Xerox instantly realized that proceeding with this task would ultimately lead to your demise.  As a precaution, he swallowed these murderous documents and spit out a mangled clump of ripped shit.

Remedy:  Faxing carelessly is like leading a sacrilegious life and moseying up to the Pearly Gates expecting to get into Heaven.  If you don't want Xerox to swallow your work, then think long and hard about the importance of it before ever faxing something again.

3.  "The Unbearable Silence."

Problem:  It's 2:30 and Xerox hasn't made a noise for the last forty minutes.  It went unnoticeable, you're perhaps even relieved that he hasn't called upon you to deliver an untimely death.  But suddenly, an angry mob of calls and coworkers bombard you with questions as to why nothing has been coming through.

What causes it?   Xerox is immortal.  He has shed our fleshy ideals and remains neither good, nor bad (but he's still pretty bad).  When the sound of silence creeps into the office, it is his ultimate form of punishment.  Dozens of pages of jobs are backed up and we are left helpless in the wake of his unmerciful actions.  Like the wrath of God, we are stripped of the miracles Xerox performs and left only with our primitive tools and pencils.  

Remedy:  There is no remedy for a situation like this.  Xerox will continue working when he sees fit.  Perhaps your day was too relaxing and this was his way of creating a balance.  Regardless, this silence is unsettling.  The only problem by which a solution is unable to be found.  And it seems as Xerox ages, he becomes exponentially angrier.  I suggest you all switch to computers an --

"This user has been terminated due to unlawful behavior and slander."