Relationships as told by a computer program.

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You are not registered, please purchase dinner and movie.

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Relationship 2.0 does not allow third party "Relationship" add-ons.  Do you accept?

Success!

Welcome to Relationship 2.0!  All new users must run "talking" script, do you wish to continue?

Limited privileges set.

Have you run this program before?

How many programs have crashed before running Relationship 2.0?

... 

Would you like to run "sleep with phone" script?

Adorable privileges set.

Logging out of Relationship 2.0.

A couple of days pass.

Welcome to Relationship 2.0!  You have not run this program in two days, do you wish to continue?

Relieved privileges set.

Would you like to run "date" script?

Running date script...

...

The system has encountered an awkward error, close program?

Program not closed, attempting to fix error...

Success!

Would you like to run "back to my place" script?

Running script...

...

Retrying...

Applying alcohol patch...

Retrying...

Success!

Would you like to run "make-out" script?

Running script...

...

This program has encountered an unexpected boner error, do you wish to close program?

Program not closed, running humorous sexual joke utility...

Success!

Relationship 2.0 is trying to run "oral pleasure" script.  By agreeing to run this script, the user is agreeing to engage in auto-run, continue?

Contin-

The program has encountered an embarrassing orgasm, halting script.  Would you like to close program?

Program not closed, running doesn't happen often utility.

Uncomfortable privileges set.

Logging out of Relationship 2.0.

The next day.

Welcome to Relationship 2.0!  The user's last session encountered embarrassing orgasm, if this happens again the program will automatically close and user must register with another copy of Relationship 2.0.  Do you agree?

Continuing...

Would you like to run "apartment lunch" script?

Running script...

Relationship 2.0 is trying to run "early dessert" script but noticed the user has not purchased and applied condom patch, by running older pull out utility the user is more prone to unexpected errors.  Continue?

Continuing.  Running script...

Success!

Would you like to run "fall asleep" script?

Denied.

Would you like to run "cuddle" script?

Running script.

Falling For privileges set.

Logging out.

A few weeks of regular use later.

Welcome to Relationship 2.0!  ERROR 708:  The program has encountered an unexpected pregnancy error.  Would you like to abort?

Women aren't stronger.

Ever since the 70's women have been boasting their miraculous strength trying to dethrone men everywhere.  The only problem is, their weak little arms can't dethrone men simply because they aren't strong enough.

The failing argument between men and women causes the latter to fall back to their trump card, child birth.  Pushing a child out of your vagina is a miracle, I agree; it also shows us women have an extremely high tolerance for pain...  The few times they push a child out of their vagina.

And that is only if they do it naturally.

Some women are so drugged out they don't even feel the kid coming out, others opt to get the child surgically removed at the cost of a grotesque scar (but a pristinely kept hootenanny).  This hedges the number of strong women down quite a bit.

If women were truly stronger than men, their vaginas would be on the UFC.  The force of an average fighter's punch is 375 pounds-per-square-inch, meaning it'd be pretty even match between Brock Lesnar and Oprah's heavyweight hooch.

I guess I'm just getting tired of women trying to fight nature.  The sexes are wired differently, meant for different things and function differently.  If men were any good at raising children, they would be the ones doing it more often than not.  But the fact of the matter remains, they aren't good at it, just like women aren't good at being strong.


Now, commonly mistaken for being strong, being dead inside doesn't count.  I'll give it to women, they are much better at emotionally detaching themselves from something, I think they stuff that pain away in their vagina (and that's how we get queefs).  Men are stubborn by nature, our simple minds cannot fathom simply letting go of something, why?  Because we are stronger.  We'd rather not take the easy way out and let something go.  Case and point.


John McClain endured dozens of floors of Armageddon to rescue his wife of a failing marriage.


Cruella De Ville wanted to kill her puppies to make coats, emotionally removing herself from the inevitable death of the dogs in the future (and gaining awesome clothing).


The point here is simple.  We all have our strengths and our weaknesses.  A woman's weakness so happens to be her strength (or lack thereof).

Isle De Mousouris: Children's Resort

Too far up on your moral high-horse to abort a child?  Too suspicious of adoption?  Terrified your illegitimate child will seek you out one day?  Then I have the answer for you:

Isle De Mousouris

The finest long-stay children's resort.

Sometimes it is hard to keep our children.  For Andrew Mousouris, he will never know this pain because he is unable to bear children himself.  But a star will never stop shining simply because it is its darkest hour and he has come to provide us all with an answer, including himself.  Isle De Mousouris is a long-stay children's resort where you can send your newborn to live a life you could never provide.  

Located on the island which it is named after, Isle De Mousouris provides customers with the satisfaction in knowing their child is safe, and that they will never get "that phone call" or "that doorbell."

Finally, an answer we've all been waiting for...

Andrew Mousouris is the man courageous enough to raise all of your children single-handedly with a large staff of about thirty-five thousand.  Why does he do it you ask?  The answer was stated earlier...  A man who wishes to have thousands of children cannot even bear one, so he looks to you for a mutual helping hand.

All children will be cared for in his luxurious Gothic mansion:

Fit with isolation chambers for prompt correctional action.

As your child grows up he or she will learn the importance of hard work and perseverance by working in our Fantasía De Oro Mina.  Andrew Mousouris believes every child should grow up with some physical activity to promote a healthy, long-lasting life.  

Little Andrew Jr. hard at work!

Savage wildlife inhabit the island and provide a fun, mildly dangerous environment for the kids to learn about nature.  Miles of poison oak forestry, bears, mountain cougars, et cetera are all mascots for the famous Isle de Mousouris.  At the age of sixteen, children will be placed into the forest to learn basic survival tactics as well.

Your child will be ready for the real world in no time!

Worried your child will not grow up feeling the true love of a parent?  Worry not.  Andrew Mousouris will see your child every day through a state-of-the-art surveillance system and your children will see him because the finest contemporary artist studying in realism will provide them with life-like paintings of their gracious father.

100% of children with successful parents grow up better than children with unsuccessful parents.

 What's best?  Any sort of rebellious attitudes are non-existent on this island.  The children learn from a young age the important of loyalty to their guardian, anyone who fails to realize this will be given special attention in our La Gruta De Tormento.  That's right, a grotto!

A ginger form of non-lethal punishment in our exclusive grotto.

If you cannot provide your child with a mansion, beautiful wildlife, successful education, art, or approved disciplinary action, then this is most definitely the place to send your newborn.  No worries, peace of mind and your kid will be cared for by a celebrity all for a small fee of $600,000 dollars.  Cash.


I swear to god if a check is written, we will murder love your child so hard.